I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
