I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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