im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
