Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
