he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
