I just threw up on my dentist
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
