Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
