I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
