SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
