How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
