i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
