i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
