i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
