We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
