my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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