My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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