Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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