OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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