Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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