I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
