You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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