Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
