Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
