I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
