If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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