i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
