Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
