I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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