My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
