He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
