I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
