We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
