mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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