She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
