She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
