i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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