Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
