grandma shit on top of the toilet
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He passed out mid-signature
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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