The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
