come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
How many fucks given?
0.12846
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
