I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
