I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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