Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
