my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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