these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
FUCK WHALES
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
