I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
