don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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