I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
