she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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