mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
