Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
