If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I need water and some morals
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
