Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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