ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize