Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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